Nan Jing 2002 (Part 2, end)

The last place to go is the People Hall or the Hall of People, for the welcome dinner. Ionic enough, common people cannot enter The Hall of People as their will. this is the place for national events, like welcoming foreign politicians. So, in the organizer point of view, we were treated with honor and high standard. There are 2 things make me sick. 1st is why they treat us as politician?? we are just students, we are not here to talk politic, by the way, i doubt we can talk any thing about politic. 2nd is the sick name of this place, "Hall of people", the function of this building is not fit for its name!

the front door of the Hall of People

when i first look at the building, somehow, i feel like i am in North Korea rather than China. May be it is due to the communistic architectural style. a little side track, in Chinese translation, communism is "work together ideology". The point why it is bad is, it never "share"! you work for the country but country give you shit. that is the fact. i still remember a former leader had said, the "right of living" is the most right the people can ask for. Well, that is truth in china, coz anything other than people can be kill or destroy, even their culture, their history. OK, may be the things are changing and improving. anyway, i just lack of faith on Chinese government. i forgot the detail of the dinner. just has an image that that place is big.

Good bye Beijing

On the next day, we took a flight to Nan Jing. In chinese, it means south (Nan) capital (Jing). as i mentioned before, Nan Jing was a capital of the Republic of China. It is a city in the coastal area of China. now a day is a wealth and busy commercial portal. The first place to visit is the old city wall and a little museum of it. i was very pleased that the old city wall is still here. Although part of it was destroyed by different reason, some of them reserved. Very different to Hong Kong, (oh, yes, this is the place i grow up) an old city wall always bring me a lot of imaginations and make a place feel friendly for me. the feeling of history, that is lack in hong kong. a feeling that there are many aspects in a city, that is lack in hong kong. well, hong kong has a lot of history and played an important role during the recently century regarding of the political movement and the formation of modern china. But the first thing come up in your mind about Hong Kong is always her economic achievement and nothing else. imagine that when you go to school, go to work on morning, you will pass some sector of wall, which used to protect your grand-mum, or your grand-grand-mum. 

a view of Nan Jing from the wall

the 2nd place is the Sun Yat-sen Mausoleum. Sun Yat-Sen is the founder of modern china. more precisely, the founder of  the first republic who governed by the reign which now stay in Taiwan. In Taiwan, they are still using the Minguo calendar, the first year is the establishment of the 1st chinese republic 1912. There is a hill, on the hill there is a building, inside the building, there is a giant scripture of  Sun Yat-Sen, sitting just like Lincoln memorial in US.

The important or famous of Sun Yat-Sen is the idea and the campaign he raised across china. the idea is simple, a western value of human right, and the ideology of a country based on 3 principles: democracy,  nationalism and welfare. democracy and welfare are easy to understand based on the emperor dictatorship. The nationalism is suitable to that time. "Han" is the biggest race in china, and it was being controlled by 2 foreign reigns. the people of Han is, in Chinese idiom, "like a pool of sand", act Independence, never understand cooperation and unity. 

the Culture exchange is very fruitful, as i understand the idea of Sun Yat-Sen, the new china in the original proposal of him is not yet realized, not even 1 of them in mainland china. there is no democracy, the nation is still spitted by 2, and welfare is just better then nothing. However, Taiwan, which is actually independent from mainland is going to archive all 3 ideas. now there are elections for their president, welfare is good and Taiwan people regard themselves as Taiwanese, same people.

The Icon building of Nan Jing University

The rest of the trip is visit Nan Jing Univeristy, a 2ndary school and chat with students, but my Mandarin is terrible, totally skipped that part. and also, memories fail. or not much impression on me. so, let me stop in here.

Nan Jing 2002 (part 1)

after 8 years, eventually....

i was a high school student on 2002. That year, our school was selected to join a program, hold by Hong Kong government, something like 'enhance the cultural exchange after Hong Kong returned to China.' The program, basically, is a field trip to mainland china, to see and discover the big and huge china.

The trip will first brought us to Beijing, then we went to another city, at the middle of mainland, Nan Jing and then back to Hong Kong. The choose of these 2 cities is not a random pick. It is because this 2 cities are historical landmark of the modern China.

Beijing, in Chinese word, it means north (Bei) capital (Jing) , the capital of People Republic of China, which also the capital, dated back to Ming Dynasty, which ruled 250 years of China around 600 years ago, which is also the last empire govern by Han. Han is a race that living at the central China. During the long history of China, Han expanded their territory, adapted, adopted and absorbed others races nearby, therefore, Chinese, is a very board definition. Around middle of 17 century, Qing Dynasty over throw the power of Empire of Ming. The family of the new empire was from the north east part of China, located at the north of Korea. Thus, they are not Han. In order to well govern the major population of Han, They accept and respect, almost learned all Han's culture. Thus, they also set the capital in Beijing. They even use the Ming's palace, which is the forbidden city, as their own palace. They not just use the complex as their living and working place of the emperor (you can see how boring or convenience of emperor's life, well, they may be the first soho), but also the government system.

Like every empire, Qing Dynasty corrupted, it was weak, and then fell. but unlike many dynasties before, its fallen was accelerated by the western invasion, or the expand of trading from the western countries. England, France and German are the main forces. After few chaotic decades, a new China was born and called the Republic of China. Its capital was located at Beijing. This new modern country was soon faced the invasion of Japan from outside and the infiltration of communism from inside. Being tried of dealing both at the end of world war II, it changed its capital to Nan Jing and later, it fleeted to Taiwan and continuous its power. On the mainland, a 2-nd republic was established by the communism party. The republic is the People Republic of China, the PRC. Therefore, people still call it Mainland China to distinguish the Taiwan China.

Therefore, Beijing is a witness of the change of modern china. i may be not pay attention enough, i had no idea about the plan. i just knew if i fellow the group, i will be alright. after i had been there, i found that i do really want to see somethings, like the forbidden city, like some kind of museums.

we landed the city and went to the hotel at night. after little rest, we had to wake up on 4am and arrive the Tiananmen Square, too see the flag salute. i though such a boring thing, such a early time, should be not much people there. I was wrong. There are many many people stand around the flag and wait for the ceremony.

Tiananmen

During the waiting, i look at the Tiananmen. There is a photo of Mao Zedong, the first leader of PRC. I still wonder why such a evil is a worship icon of this nation. During his rise and ruling, many people die and killed. no matter political  enemy or innocent people, during war or peace, both thousand of million Chinese and foreigner were killed directly and indirectly. To Chinese, he directed the cultural revolution, and many huge and disaster campaigns, only for enriching his power and dormitory. To foreigner, mainly Korean and Vietnamese, Mao raised wars to expand the communism. Forcing other countries to live under communism, in his word, liberation. The most practical joke. I really wonder how many modern chinese know about this history, or even they were told or taught in school. Even at the end of Soviet Union, Sterling was no longer a worship icon because what he had done. I think it is the thing we should learn from westerner - they can oppose the ideas from people at higher position and even death people. In China, death people like god or something more powerful. death people always good, no matter how many bad things were made. This is the weakness of our culture. The first culture lesson during the trip.

The People's Liberation Army

After the truly boring and sleepy flag salute, we took few hours bus, from the square to a very remote military camp. i am always thinking why they like to show us the army? it is a proof of a strong nation? No, never, it is only a proof of a strong ruling power of the government. Do they want to show us, their army is strong, so, don't think about to be independent of Hong Kong? anyway, i never proud of the nation because of a strong army. It should be a high social standard, well living place, zero corruption, freedom of speech and publishing to make one citizen of a nation proud, and love the country. A nation should be able to export its culture rather than its army to give others good image. besides of the fantastic energy release of a tank gun, i see nothing interesting there. The 2nd chance of cultural exchange is quite meaningful in some sense.

The Great Wall

The Great wall is the third place to visit. it took us another few hours by bus. In my opinion, we can visit the forbidden city instead of the military camp. The Great Wall is always a wonder, not just owned by chinese, but always the mankind. The construction of the wall was finished around 3000 years, and every dynasty keep on to maintain and expand the mega structure. The main function of the wall is the defend the invasion from the northern nomads. Similar to the ancient Roma, the rich and wealth attracted nomads. The technique and skill of ancient communication are so inspiriting, while all of us are so used to tele-communication, like cell-phone and internet.  

No name

i do thing is not only for myself. and many things i did, is for us too. 

i don't want to be easy give-up man, and my heart is not controlled by myself.

sometimes, i don't know who are you in my mind, a friend, a lover? may be a mix of these 2. more than friend, never in love.

but i want to be a friend, only friend, a long distance friend, everything will be much easier.

Do you have a lover? 

i wish we can keep in touch even so. that is the thing i worry.

we always said we don't understand each other. However, we somehow believe we should be understood each other. like you think i can stop by myself. i think you may still like it. but we have to tell each other our feeling.

if i can stop by myself, would you trust me more?

somehow, we are just not knowing each other enough to be no talking. nevertheless, we like we know each other for long time, but the fact is not.

we think so, i believe it must be something in common between ourself. i really want to know what is it.

my mind is complicated, many ideas are connected like a tree. i wish my language skill/ thinking skill can be better to tell you clearly. lets us understand each other. Although we are far far away.

a remark

if i did not appear in your life, will anything different? will you be better?

recently, i am think about the same question, but to myself. if you did not appear in my life, will anything different? what lesson i should learn ?

when i did not make any progress in turkish, i understand i am not able to love you. but i still love you. when i imagine you are in somebody' arm, sleep with somebody else, i still feel painful and scare. 

but i know this is none of my business. 

i wish i did not visit you, did so many crazy things with you. 

if we are just friend....

a lunch with an old friend

it is a rainy day.

i am browsing the stand of magazines in the door of 7-11. she comes and say a "hi"

"so long we haven't see!", she said, "3 years already."

we go to have a lunch.

i talk more then her. i always asked her but interrupt what she is going to say.

that is my problems, always. no patient for listening.

when we leave, it is heavily raining.

hope can see her again. i really enjoy the lunch.

Oh.. forget to take a picture!

To be honest to myself

the reality is to be friend only.

then i have to pretend i don't love you.

that is not helping, for me.

How about for you?

if you don't want to, of course you want to be a friend.

there is nothing you have to "pretend"

Thus, the best solution for me is, stop contact you. and bury my heart.


but, who know what will happen in future?

something have to face

you will have a boyfriend someday later.

you will smile, you will happy with him.

time is passing.

what should i do??

i can feel that you are in love.

this time, i did not think there is any hope. i just full of hopeless, disappointment.

End of Passion

I feel my heart fill of peace and patince, when i have woken up today. I realized that, I didnot trust you from last 2 weeks. Coz you never talk to me, actively. i always ask, when you give me back something? And i suddenly know that, i have nothing you want. I am not interesting to you anymore. That's why i keep on finding you, contact you. Try to recover the missing things - your care.

Although i sent sms to you as normal. But the motivation is different. Before, i really care about you, i like to give you security by knowing that i am always thinking of you. But the last 2 weeks, i send sms to you is mostly for my needs. I need you.

The point is, 'i need you' does not equal to 'you need me'. Don't get me wrong, it is my problem. I need you just too much, much more than normal, much more then a friend. Much more then a girl friend. Coz i don't trust you. You are such unpredictable, you change so fast. Without trust, what is a relationship?

Even i call you, you always said you are busy with study. Cannot talk even few minutes? May be, because i also like that, when i really drill on something, don't like people to brother. Just no heart to spare.

Anyway, i still miss you. But all my hope, my pateience are gone. Obviously, you don't like me anymore.

I already didnot expect you to pick me up in the airport. I don't understand. You don't know wheater you are free or not on next tue? May be you are telling me, you are waiting something more excited then seeing me, you are just tired of me, so much.

May be we should end everything silently. Little by little.

Give up

when i give up to call her, i feel much better.

there is a hope when you are hopeless.

may be i give her up will make me moving on.

she is just too .... un-connectible.

if i cannot find her, or the communication is only 1 way, there is nothing i can do.

when i cannot make it better, the best way is give-up and move to other things.

what am i doing?

deep inside, loneliness is my biggest enemy.

when i met a new friend, i will be very excited, want to know him/her more. spend more time. especially a new girl. if she also give me some feed back. i will easily addictive to her.

but usually, under such a aggressive friendship building, people will run away. as i has experience for new friends run away, i will expect the next new friend will do the same thing and i become more aggressive, like the first day of meet is the last day.

May be it is my nature, Fast and Quick. just don't want to spend so much time on a single thing, unless that thing is always changing, always exciting. otherwise, i will get bored.

really?

i am not normal, in the way that i am not fitted in the society. my way of doing things, understand the world is just far away from where i born. There is no 2 shape-ends needle.

i am now obsessed about a girl, far away in Turkey. i like to put every single minutes with her. she like to do so to her boyfriend as well. unluckily, i am not the one.

people addicted to drug or bad habit is more easy. coz drug and habit, you can find it as long as you have time and money, you can completely addictive to it alone. while addictive to someone else, is very dangerous and go mad easily, coz you cannot do it by yourself. no matter you spend time and money, this rare resources is monopoly by the addictive subject.

i am not saying addictive is not good. if you can addicted into your career, it is a successful.

addictive to a relationship, is a disaster.

i never treat human is a living creature, just as a sophisticate toy, can be discovered a lot. that's why i like extraordinary friends.

i knew, when i addicted to her, i do not love her anymore.

little bit about my life

2 hours on chess board

3 hours on books

2 hours on internet

1 hours on Turkish

less then 1 hours on running and exercising

Many hours stupid around :D

hope can :

5 hours making money

12 hours sleeping

many hours with friends, on phone, on MSN, on webcam, on Skype, on sms, on streets, in cinemas, on dinning tables, in coffee shop, in book shops, in CD shops, in Museums, at anywhere, at everywhere.

Illusion

I don't know why, i feel that your feeling and passion to me go away.

You don't send me short email, sms. You are not excited for getting my phone call.... That make me feel i am speaking to air... Sometimes, more lonely.

May be it is because of exams. I can understand. Hope you will send me some as a feed back. I need your care, your love.

Send me short email, sms, it will not cost you much time. But your effort, i will notice and smile all day!

Sometimes, when i feel sad and lonely. i think i am a fool. I only live in an imagine world, which i create. The truth is, you don't need me at all, i am nobody for you. But you don't mind to have a fool around you all the day. All you care is your new boyfriend. you love him long time ago, then i appear. You never think i can be your boyfriend, not in your list. That can explain why you suddenly have a boyfriend. Coz i don't believe that "he will work in govt" is a reason for falling in love. You must have some feeling for him. I am just a funny guy for you afterall. You are tired for me. You want i go away automatically. You don't want to hurt me.

think so negative....

Ebru

a girl like me a lot. almost love me.

She had talked to her mum, her mum said, "Do something realistic."

She has a new boyfriend, no me.

her new boy friend is going to work in government. The reason for a boyfriend?

NO WAY!

i am just her friend.

i am living in a world that i created. Nothing real, expect my ideas, my dream.

Cogito ergo sum.

That is.

我

世界上只有兩種人,

聰明人 和 笨人

也只有

知道自己是哪一種的那種人 和 不知道自己是哪一種的那種人

亦只有

喜歡自己是聰明人的那種人 和 喜歡自己是笨人的那種人

以上雇各種人交織一起. 就有8種人.

我是其中一種人.

但我認為的那種, 未必和大家認識的那種一樣.

Don't give up

Just back from Aussi to HK last Saturday. Home sweet home.

after hard work on last 3 days, finished all things and having a first holiday.

i never missed Hong Kong Before. so much, very much. My friends and my family.

i hate to have bigness trip. no reason, i just don't like. may be there are some reasons, but they don't matter.

i want to stay with my family more time.

help my little sister for her A-level exam. NO time.

i feel helpless, weakness.

Just want to cry.

i cannot sleep because of my sister.

why she just does not care about herself.

why she thinks she can get pass with just "read" but no "exercise" ?

i love her, just as if my children.

may be i treat her not so well during normal days.

i watched her growth up, meeting requirement on several mile stones in her life.

she was did them all well.

please, please let her do well this time.

i have to leave her soon. i do believe i will regret not being with her in her hard time.

i can quite the job. i don;t care the fucking job anyway. too much calculation, too much dirty money. i hate business in this way. i hate i was not employed, but bought instead.

i hate to become a salve.

i hate i have no control with my time.

i hate i cannot be selfish.

do i over react?

do i magnify the problem, my disagreement, my freedom?

i am not a good brother. i set a bad example to my sister.

she like me so much, my bad so much.

lazy, hiding, forgetive, rude, weakness....

i am too sad. i'm just freaked like my sister.

please don't give up. never.

FIeld of Study

My major interest in physics is the electromagnetic theory, especially optics. Start form year 1 of bachelor course, I joined the independent research course under Prof. K.K.Fung for studying the structural color form nature, like the scales of butterflies, bees and seashells. The structural color surprised me a lot and imprinted in my brain, because the simplicity and complexity about it. The basics theory is simple, just because of thin film reflection or interference; while the way of expression or the range of application can be in thousand combinations. If the thickness of the rods-like or planar structures changes a little, the color changed a lot! This can be applied to display technology. During the course, I used SEM, TEM for sample cutting, preparation and examination.

After that 1 year independent research course, I exchanged to the National University of Singapore. In there, I picked optic course, which is not taught in Hong Kong. That course brings me into the theory of electromagnetism. I realized that the 4 Maxwell’s Equations are so important and elegant. When I backed to Hong Kong, I chose a rather difficult course for year 2 students, the EM2, which is from solving the Maxwell’s equations to Special Relativity. At the end of the course, some fundamental problems, like electron’s size and self-energy was taught and inspired me a lot. For example, Maxwell’s equations are just a good approximation under classical condition.

On Year 3, the final year, I took a final year project in experiment. I choose to do experiment rather than study theory is because I believe only the nature can tell you the truth, not theory. By polishing my experimental skill and technique, I wish I could read data, graphs and results in correct way. After study electromagnetism and optics for the past 2 years, I found that the structural color belong to a larger sector, photonic crystal. Thus, I joined Prof. W.Y. Tam’s research group on photonic crystal fabrication. At that time, I follow a Master course student, being her assistant in her research. The objectives are fabrication of micro-sized gold particle array and study the transmission or reflection enhancement due to the surface plasmon. The holographic lithography is the mean for the fabrication. We used expanded laser beam for creating large size uniform grid and sputtered the grid with gold to form gold particle array. The optical spectrum measurement conduced from IR to UV. For the IR range, we used FTIR technique. Through out the project, I realized that metallic structures are very interesting because of the large induced current and magnetic field by shinning light on it. At that time, a negative refractive index metameterial for microwave was successfully produced and reported on Scientific American. Therefore, I proposed to Prof. W.Y.Tam for fabrication of the similar structures by holographic lithography as my research objective for the master’s course.