Dream

the game begin.

it is totally dark.... i turn on the touch light. but still dark, what happen? oh, i have to increase the screen brightness.

we are in a room, like a small party. people sit on floor. suddenly, we are under attack, we flight back, but we are well-dis-organized and be killed.

the game restarted.

we now not having a partly, we prepare some defense, have a machine gun stand toward the door. but we again defeated.

the game restarted.

this times started earlier, and it is dark, i turned on the touch light under my gun. i turn around and went to a corridor. hear a sound and some one, before he said something, i shoot him. and found that he is one of our. feel sorry, why you don't say something? i open the door, which is a back door of the room. the enemy come and kill us all.

the game restarted.

we think there is a traitor among us. we put camera, and we going to hurt for the enemy. so, put ourselves in active position, even we have a traitor, he has no idea what are we going to do in the room, coz we are not there.

we pass a shopping center, it is at night, colorful advertisements hanging on the building. after the building, it is a perform on a bring. no one there but an old man walking slowly. we pass him.

when i look back, this old man take off his jacket and become the Terminator, and open fire. we fire back. and the flight, becomes a chess game.

The terminator is the Black Queen on Knight ( horse), our team can move any white pieces. teammate move away pieces into safe zone. which is very passive. in my turn to move, i attack the Queen knight and force the Queen the move, by this way, i can move 1 more turn. and i keep on attacking the Queen and finally make him surrounded. (by the way, this queen is a he ).

we back the reality, we question the Terminator that who sent him. and he tell us that is one of our female member. a hot female member.

we back to the room, we saw that people are playing card games and having fun. i go the the girl and ask her for a talk. i tell her, we knew you do that. she say, "why you don't care me? " i feel, "what?"

the game restarted.

i am on a mission to save the girl. she was kidnapped in an underground facility. the facility is under a horse racing course. So, the 2nd objective is stead the horse racing data and change it, so we can gain money by horse racing. i have a teammate, he said he already put everything on the horse number Sqrt[2], we have to make it win.

he open up the gate, which is the B1 level of the racing course, actually no people there, no guard. we passed a huge and big corridor under yellow lighting, beside the corridor, separated by bars, it a huge place. the place is so big that you can think this must be going to be somethings. has some proposes.

after the corridor, we open a big heavy wooden door. and entered and kind of dinning place. the place is along long and narrow. the door is in on the long side, middle of it. in the middle of the room, there is a long stone dinning table, i guess 300 people can sit on it.

we turn left, there is the kitchen, the kitchen has a back door. we open the backdoor, found that the kitchen is on a hill, a long step way from the kitchen to a square. we pass the square, with no one stopping us.

now, we are in outside of the control room. we break in and i found that i have no weapon. there are 2 guards inside, i somehow,knock down one and take his gun and fire to the 2nd. the the bullet does not hit the guard. Oh, guard smile, and try to fire back. at that time, i realized the bullet is charged, and the guard wears a same charged suit. thus all bullet will be reflected by the coulomb force. Now, i charge to him, before his gun can point to me, and we are close enough that i use the gun to hit him on face, he was knocked down. we grab some documents and going to unlock some people. one is the girl, one is the cook and his assistant. one is a bird. i guess it is a pet, not prisoner, anyway, unlock all the things.

now we have resistance after we pass the kitchen, the cook transformed to be a fridge and his assistance becomes an oven, sit on top of the fridge. they say, they will be OK. then we go the the dinning room.

my point of view now out of myself. and become a teapot, looking at the fridge and oven which are the cook and his assistant . a guard come in, he open the fridge and i saw, it is all red inside the fridge. a beating heart, a lung, and gut... the guard take the heart out and eat it. wow... on the same time as the guard open the fridge, the oven transformed as a mouse and jump on the table without the guard notices, and run to the dinning room.

and now we back to the dinning room. since the bullet cannot touch the guard due to coulomb force, we plug the cable ( the gun has cable )  to the power supply and increase the energy to 200MeV per nucleon, which mean, each bullet now is travel at the 0.2 speed of light. which is enough to break the Coulomb barrier. and since the high speed bullet, the recoil is so huge that, the gun actually become like a cannon, with stand and all mechanism. so now, i fired a cannon on a machine and breaking everything in front of me.

i was shot, and the girl save me.

the fact is, the girl make me as the terminator.

~ wake up ~

What a dream.

叛徒

noun 叛徒, 姦, 背叛者, 叛逆者, 叛變, 宄, 賊

Dream

Since chatting last Thursday, I always think of u. your tiny little sharing and honesty make me smile.

Ok, now, I dreamed I and u are in yellow stone. I missed u so much that want to send make u a postcard back to hk. But u are right here with me.

I go to see you, and found that you are on phone, with me! So who am I? Oh my phone is hanging.

anyway, I miss u.

one more time

let us date one more time,
date One more time, and one more time.

you and me, back to office, No one will aware.

let us give and take one more time, and one more time
the sweet for giving and taking gifts in the fridge,
wrapped with a Yellow bag
no one will doubt.

hesitate when leaving this office
coz,
I like you so much.

Let me say one more time
and one more time about my heart.

i treat you like poetics between montparnasse and mongkok

let me go with you one more time
And one more time to your home
one more time go to the door-front
walk one more time
stroll one more round

hesitate when leaving this office
coz, i like you so Much.

dream to leaving this office
work in our own company, together.

everyone knew that

love you very much.

give me more time. just more time.

recently....

feeling blank.

not empty, just blank.

not peaceful, just blank.

not saturated, just blank.

not disappeared, just blank.

that's all.

Ebru İstanbul New York morning.

like reading in train, in subway, in public. like there is someone beside. like i am not alone.

get in at one station on page 281, get off at another station on page 307.

feel like traveling from Earth to Mars.

A dream

I were in geography lesson, like junior high school. I were sitting the door side, the 1st row, 2nd seat.

The teacher was talking about middle east, he even draw very detail maps, just out of his mind. Talk about politics, how the location of each countries affects their status, like natural resources, population, natural disasters,etc. I like the teacher, coz he knew things.

But I am not familiar with the middle east map, so I google map it. But somehow, the device, (a tablet pc?, when I zoom the map, the screen also enlarge) always halt.

And the student in front of me always ask for the device, for playing games, for seeing prono. I had to give him, just because so, I can focus on what the teacher said. I already missed the symmetry he talked. Something likes how to pack many earths on 4 dimensional space.

The teacher noticed the turbulence, disruption and being upset.

The student before me always borrowed the device, and got bored soon, and borrow - return. Many times. It seems that he had just wanted to get my attention.

Then, the teacher come and talked to me. Asked me why I am so naughty, not pay attention. and the student were enjoying for watching that. Feeling glad that the teacher did not go for him, but me. He has a bad ass smile. The teacher looked both of us, then decided to give a bottle to me, it is very hard to open, as it is a kind of punishment.

I feel innocence and unfair, why said to me, I were trying so hard to listen! is it because I look weak, more easier to start with!?

I got angry. I used the bottle, around 2 litters kind, punched the teacher in his face. And the classroom becomes ruined, chairs, tables in tornado, even wall fallen.

I confess to the teacher, I respect him alot, I like his class, why you do this to me!

The teacher also got angry, he shouted back and questioned me, what had I done in the class. He never saw me opened the book!! And the bad student had!

That really made me mad! Why you don't understand! Nowaday we can use Internet! I were googling for all class! Reading materials online!

When I want to show him the device history......

waken up.
----------------------
The teacher represents the one i respect, kind of sample, an idol, who rich in knowledge, confident.

The student represent the bad side of myself, always want attention, distracting me.

Is it correct?

宣州謝朓樓餞別校書叔雲臨江仙入都

棄我去者，昨日之日不可留；

亂我心者，今日之日多煩憂。

長風萬里送秋雁，對此可以酣高樓。

蓬萊文章建安骨，中間小謝又清發。

俱懷逸興壯思飛，欲上青天攬明月。

抽刀斷水水更流，舉杯銷愁愁更愁。

人生在世不稱意，明朝散發弄扁舟。


滾滾長江東逝水， 浪花淘盡英雄。

 是非成敗轉頭空。 青山依舊在，幾度夕陽紅。

白髮漁樵江渚上， 慣看秋月春風。

 一壺濁酒喜相逢。 古今多少事，都付笑談中。


丈夫隻手把吳鉤，意氣高於百尺樓。

一萬年來誰著史，三千里外欲封侯。

出山志在登鰲頂，何日身才入鳳池。

倘無駟馬高車日，誓不重回故里車。

即今館閣須才日，是我文章報國年。

馬是出群休戀棧，燕辭故壘更圖新。

篇交海內知名士，去訪京師有道人。

他日燕台南望處，天涯須報李陵書。

自由

i particularly like this song. as the title said, 自由, freedom. the lyric is not so matter, love, friendship, relationships, whatever i care. the word "love" can be replaced by any other things, like care, miss, noticed, remember, annoyed, hate etc... the main theme is, we are free now, free from the trouble i created, free from the arguments i brought, free from the uncomfortable on me. you are free from me now. but i do really want to know, you care about me. you had cared about me. you remember me. you had remembered me. i were important in your life, for a moment, like a shooting start.....  i know, i must shut my month tight, bit my laps, and try not crying when i promise myself not to see you again, coz you were my VIP, miraculously it happened in a short time.



也許會恨你　我知道我的脾氣不是很好
也許不一定　我知道我還是一樣愛著你
打開一瓶紅色的酒　看著金魚游來游去
是否我們都想要自由

我沒有關係　你可以假裝沒事離開這裡
一切好安靜　我只是想把情緒好好壓抑
到底誰會先說再見　我知道我一定哭泣
走的時候記得說愛我　愛我

說愛我　說愛我　難道你不再愛我
我的淚　滴下來　你從來不曾看過
為什麼　為什麼　愛情讓人變沈重
沒有人　告訴我　原來不是我想像
不要回來　你已經自由了　我也已經自由了



for every you i must say goodbye.
you are like a pearl, which i found while playing on beach accidentally.

珍珠

noun 珍珠, 真珠, 璸, 傑出者
verb 在...成珠
adjective 珍珠的

Fear

Usually, fear is far away from me. I am a confident person, believing myself. On life, on academic, even I went to strange places, experience totally new stuff and situation. Even alone in total darkness. Even for giant snake. I always have a playful heart. Believing it is just a game, I can always come and go, fuck it up and screw it. Well, ok, I do afraid to ride on roller coasters and hight. Nah, it is not the fear I just mentioned. This is phobia.

I mean, the fear of lose, which is created by myself.

for almost everything, I don't really care if I have or not, having it is always a bonus, but losing is just a natural process. That's does not mean I never try to save them when losing. I am just feel nothing if I lose it. Say, the tomato I planted for a year. It die when the autumn came. I did try to do something, but it did not work. The tomato was infected by some diesea. Anyway, watching how it die is interesting. Start from the edge, then go to the root. Meanwhile, it try to growth a new branch, but get infected quickly. Oh... Little poor tomato. Ok, I feel sad a bit. But I can let go.

For other tiny little things, losing them is no big deal. Even for the pictures I took with my dear friends. Somehow, those picture is not important. I can always find them and knowing that the friendship is still there. I know that it will not fade out but accumulate. A faith that make me no fear.

But yes, my memories is terrible. Sometimes, my friends will talk about the past, but I completely no idea! It happen quit often. Even with pictures, I do need sometimes to recall it. As one of my best friend said, " you will not forget those which is, who is, important".

Thing is quit different for dealing with girls. Not sure that, If I don't fear on losing their attention, I don't quite care on them. Or the other ways around. But they are related. To the girl I care, I always feel fear, the fear of losing them, the fear that I am not interesting, the fear that I am boring, the fear that i am not special, not good enough, the fear that she will forget me, dislike me, and push me away. the fear of being fear.

Than, I was surrounded by fear. I guess I being annoying is due to those fears. That's why I cannot get any girls who I like. When being fear, I lost my playful heart. I becomes serious and lost the fun, the cool. The fear makes me panic for tiny things, lost my mind and lost the patient I have. ( usually I have extremely patient, may be the training from performing experiments) I cannot wait and will confess very soon. That scare most girls away. I lost my view on the big picture, but just focus and being stubble on a small corner . That's lost my gentle. All of this make me as a terrible person, not nobel anymore. That is so contrast to the first impression.

Just in the chess game, when you panic and fear, and not able to claim down, the game is over.

I am sorry for every girls who has been annoyed. and cannot taste the good of me.

I am going to be brave for the next one. Only give her the best I have.

Faith, brave, trust, confidence, are same things in different aspect.

"holding tight your hand, nothing inside. Open it up, you have the world." -- from my mom, who told me this is from her mom.