Transmigration

if it is going to happen again.......







i quit.

咒

已經好耐以前。自從她發覺我喜歡她以後，她就不埋我了。

6年後的今日。難掩對她既熱情，經常找她。希望那份熟悉感可以連續下去，仍然維繫那份親切感。不過在whatsapp 難。給她傳了很多短訊，她也正常的回覆。

心理包袱。覺得越接近佢。以前既事就會再發生多一次。成日想，今次應該唔同，但卻沒法把握。問題係我自已。自己有點神經質，若果佢唔埋我，會好擔心。但其實佢冇唔埋我，係我成日疑慮佢唔會埋我。心病。好想逗她歡喜，卻怕她走遠。

若果解鈴還須繫鈴人，那麼便須勇敢面對。平常心吧。須要一點時間。

Mystery

Dream about Eunice last night. I call her but she ask me don't. Don't call her so oftenly. She tells me, I am a good guy.

We go out, on the street, we hug and i ask her to go to japan with me. I really want she stay with me. as long as we are together..... i hate i cannot give up my study.

Lunch with her. She is smart and speak so quick. Strong respond, warm and interactive. Completely different from msg mode. I asked her does she dislike msg? She said a bit, coz she don't know how to type chinese and handwriting is too stupid. we mention the time at PG, her smiling face gone and i can see some thinking on her face. Did she thinking about the sad time? the trouble we had? but she is pretty anyway. we also talk about the issue on shopping in japan , i don't know why she laughed so funny. We talked about my sister's wedding. My facebook cover. Multi- intelligence,Her works. times fly, no, time light speed. i ask her to travel to japan, she always said there is radiation and i still have 1 year to go, planty of time.

we forgot to take a picture. Call her to see if There  is tea time for her, so we can take a picture. i told her, i don't know when will see her again. She said we haven't die yet. Still plenty of time. but i really have no idea when will i back to Hong Kong. And i really miss her.

what if she had a boyfriend ? Let it be a mystery. as she always a mystery for me.

feeling of distance

sometimes, modern communication make me sad.

it can monitor the wall is building up, the distance is getting far, and the friendship seems to be cooling down.

if there is not facebook, whatspp, IM, mat be i will never feel the heat fade away.

at the airport, at the moment of departure, we can frozen the heat. and many years later, see each other again and un-frozen it.

but now, i can feel the heat is going away. less reply, may be i am not important.

but why i am important? why i want to be important?

i am still an attention - seeking child.

sometimes, i really like Schopenhauer, coz i know, i never be the man in his world.

有時候 我會相信一切有盡頭, 可是我 有時候 寧願選擇留戀不放手.

we have a bicycle race, Eunice goes first. the starting trace of mine is difference from her, it is a long deep sloppy road, the bicycle is almost out of control, i mean, it only controlled by gravity. later on, the path becomes vertical, and even upside down.

i have a coma, when i wake up, the event holder, who also like eunice, told me he already stayed with Eunice for 2 and half hours. When Eunice comes, she said she had no choice.

She stay with me,  she is tried. we sleep and cuddle together. her face still give me great impression.

after we wake up, Eunice just walk away, and i feel lonely, so lonely. i need some attention.

there are 2 whites boxes above a pile of garbage, on a boat, sailing away.  inside 2 whites boxes, are the voice msg i gave her few days ago.


 

too bad that i am an attention seeker, especially for those who i care. i thought during the stay in japan, i will used to lonely, be more independent, be lesser attention seeking. to accept there is nothing worthy to show. but i am just an attention seeker, who, sometimes, really want someone care about me.

i thought....

i thought, if i told you something about myself. you will know that i never intended to be your boy friend.

i thought, you are not that sensitive.

i thought, you can be a good friend with me, a friend with opposite sex.

i thought, you understood why we did not talk so much about your boyfriend.

i thought, i can let you know i like you.

i thought, i can be emotional to you, telling you i miss you.

i was all wrong.

if letting you know how much i miss you make you breathless, it means we are over. my bad, make things becomes complicated.

suddenly, you becomes a stranger.

and  we are not going back.......

記雜

最近和遠方的Eunice whatapps,她的回答大多是一兩個icon, 一句短語。真有點令人失望。感覺好像不想說話。但都會回應。她說＂efficient ma". 好像又有她的道理。

有趣大方的Karin 要回台灣。難雖然認識不久，但正如她在明信片中說一樣「很難得有個朋友可以出來食飯，去博物館，可以交流」。其實我們見面不多，太概一個月一次而已。我也以為只是萍水相逢，不會難過。但星期日跟她食完晚飯後，突然發現真的可能是最後一次見面，在車站等車的時候，看她給的明信片，感到很難過。是我不懂珍惜嗎？還是仍接受不了沒可能在日本見面，一齊去食飯聊天。十分不捨得。那一晚睡不著，很多感受，不斷回憶和她食飯。感到那些回憶為何那樣重。好像沒有了同伴的感受，就好似離開香港的時候，和朋友訣別的感受。是準備再自己一個人的日子。其實一直都自己一個啦，不過總可以找她，她也認真的回應。不斷跟自己講，會再見的，就算不在台灣，也會在美國，其實應該沒有那麼糟。還可以在網上聊天啊。但問心，一齊食飯是沒法替代。不論如何，看見她給我的多士爐，難免有懷念的感覺。很想給她一份禮物，好讓她也想起我。但已經來不及了。是嗎？不論如何，都希望她有美國學校offer. 也希望友誼永固。（是有點懷疑啦）

死黨德仔個老婆有左兩個月啦！真開心！

和Karin 食完飯後,是實驗室旅行。我討厭的人沒有參加，真好。目的地是秩父。下午4點才出發，花了兩個半小時到達。浸溫泉，食飯，然後大家在房間裡聊天。其實是有點悶啦。全都是日語。雖然他們不斷鼓勵我，唉，日語不是我想不想說的問題，是能不能呀！？有時會想到Karin. 不知道她帶她父母去哪。第二天食完早餐，匆匆浸完溫泉後，就去秩父遊覽。天氣很好外，沒有什麼驚喜。不過也是一宗特別的事。木