Fear

Usually, fear is far away from me. I am a confident person, believing myself. On life, on academic, even I went to strange places, experience totally new stuff and situation. Even alone in total darkness. Even for giant snake. I always have a playful heart. Believing it is just a game, I can always come and go, fuck it up and screw it. Well, ok, I do afraid to ride on roller coasters and hight. Nah, it is not the fear I just mentioned. This is phobia.

I mean, the fear of lose, which is created by myself.

for almost everything, I don't really care if I have or not, having it is always a bonus, but losing is just a natural process. That's does not mean I never try to save them when losing. I am just feel nothing if I lose it. Say, the tomato I planted for a year. It die when the autumn came. I did try to do something, but it did not work. The tomato was infected by some diesea. Anyway, watching how it die is interesting. Start from the edge, then go to the root. Meanwhile, it try to growth a new branch, but get infected quickly. Oh... Little poor tomato. Ok, I feel sad a bit. But I can let go.

For other tiny little things, losing them is no big deal. Even for the pictures I took with my dear friends. Somehow, those picture is not important. I can always find them and knowing that the friendship is still there. I know that it will not fade out but accumulate. A faith that make me no fear.

But yes, my memories is terrible. Sometimes, my friends will talk about the past, but I completely no idea! It happen quit often. Even with pictures, I do need sometimes to recall it. As one of my best friend said, " you will not forget those which is, who is, important".

Thing is quit different for dealing with girls. Not sure that, If I don't fear on losing their attention, I don't quite care on them. Or the other ways around. But they are related. To the girl I care, I always feel fear, the fear of losing them, the fear that I am not interesting, the fear that I am boring, the fear that i am not special, not good enough, the fear that she will forget me, dislike me, and push me away. the fear of being fear.

Than, I was surrounded by fear. I guess I being annoying is due to those fears. That's why I cannot get any girls who I like. When being fear, I lost my playful heart. I becomes serious and lost the fun, the cool. The fear makes me panic for tiny things, lost my mind and lost the patient I have. ( usually I have extremely patient, may be the training from performing experiments) I cannot wait and will confess very soon. That scare most girls away. I lost my view on the big picture, but just focus and being stubble on a small corner . That's lost my gentle. All of this make me as a terrible person, not nobel anymore. That is so contrast to the first impression.

Just in the chess game, when you panic and fear, and not able to claim down, the game is over.

I am sorry for every girls who has been annoyed. and cannot taste the good of me.

I am going to be brave for the next one. Only give her the best I have.

Faith, brave, trust, confidence, are same things in different aspect.

"holding tight your hand, nothing inside. Open it up, you have the world." -- from my mom, who told me this is from her mom.